November 2010
1 post
7 tags
Thanks For Nothing Asshole (A Thanksgiving Post)
By Courage the Turkey
A pardon?! PARDON?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Do you have any idea what it took for me to get here? Oh no. They just randomly select the turkey they’ll be serving to the leader of the free fucking world! Are you sensing the sarcasm here? I should hope so. Get your head out of your ass!
It’s one of the greatest honors among my people to be served at...
September 2010
1 post
LOLJK's Aquaman Joins Twitter →
Ever wonder what Aquaman is doing when he’s not writing his awesome screenplays? Yeah me neither, but he signed up for twitter anways.
http://twitter.com/JustSomeAquaman
-Joey
Twitter @jreinisch @LOLjoeyANDkyle @destructobox
(ps - all other aquaman twitter accounts are fakes)
August 2010
5 posts
6 tags
How To Be Successful at Making TV:
Now you too can have your very own CSI show or whatever. I’d watch it.
-Joey
Twitter @jreinisch @LOLjoeyANDkyle @destructobox
8 tags
Girls Are Gross Pt1: Lets Nip This Menstruation...
I think we could all do without menstruation.
Let’s be honest. Nothing good comes of it. A) Its messy. B) The mood swings and cramps do NO ONE any good. And finally, and most importantly, point C) No one gets laid for a week. Naturally, there are naysayers. People who would be quick to point out that without the process of menstruation we would be unable to continue to propagate life on Earth....
6 tags
The Expendables: Or How To Slobber Over Dudes In...
So this weekend, every “real man” will be seeing The Expendables in the dark amongst other fellow mens. The Expendables for those that don’t know, is the first mainstream action movie that actively tries to convince dudes to love dudes way too much. Using words and phrases like “mangasm”, “testosterone mating with an explosion”, and...
5 tags
"Yes. All of my songs are about you."
An Open Letter to Every Girl Kyle has Known in Indiana
by Tom Petty
I know, I know. I’ve denied it for a long time. And for a while I felt like I was hiding it pretty well. But yes, it is true.
Women of the great state of Indiana, all of my songs are about you. Not all of you. Just YOU. I know you’ve had your suspicions ever since the first time you heard the opening lyrics to...
June 2010
1 post
3 tags
The Superpower Encyclopedia: Regeneration
The Superpower Encyclopedia: Regeneration Also Known as: Autodoctor, Megahealing, That Healie Dealie Primary Examples: Wolverine, Stretch Armstrong, Lizards Description: Regeneration is a defensive power with multiple levels of potency. At it’s most basic, regeneration allows you to heal minor wounds, scrapes and vicious hangnails in a matter of seconds. More advanced...
May 2010
3 posts
8 tags
An Open Letter to the Man that Stole my Car Pt.2
I’ll be honest, I never thought in a million years that there would be a part two to this post.
This picture is awesome. It’s the only reason its here.
I’M A NAIVE FUCK.
I was tearfully reunited with my 1996 Honda Accord just over 8 months ago. Exactly 9/9/09 if I remember correctly. A great day. I got my car back. Beatles Rock Band was released. And some stupid bitch...
Aquaman Finally Wrote Another Screenplay.
Several months ago, I posted a script I found floating in the ocean written by none other then Aquaman himself. To recap, here is that script.
I thought it was a great story. Rich. Compelling. Full of great characters.
Since I found this script, I have been in contact with Aquaman, pressing him to write a sequel. After months of begging, it seems like it finally paid off.
Ladies and...
5 tags
March 2010
8 posts
3 tags
WatchDINO RIDER ADVENTURES - Episode 1: How to pet a dinosuar.
This is a re-edit of one of my favorite childhood cartoon shows, “Dino Riders”.
I might make some more as long as no one sues.
- Joey
Twitter @jreinisch @LOLjoeyANDkyle @destructobox
DESTRUCTO BOX ON NEWGROUNDS! →
destructobox:
We’ve just uploaded our first video to Newgrounds! We need your votes, so check it out and give it a 5! (Look for the faces on the lower left-hand side to vote!)
Tell everyone you know!
5 tags
Mmmmm Sho Tay!
Hey fellow LOLJK’ers,
I am proud to announce that Joey and I have decided to enter the political realm by providing a local political candidate with our MUCH sought after endorsement and support. Who you ask?
Who could possibly hold the ideals that Joseph and myself hold dearest to our hearts? Who has the charisma and steadfast commitment to make their local community a better place?
And...
5 tags
How I imagine A typical workday for Kyle.
By Joey
This is how I imagine a typical workday for Kyle McVey goes:
7:30 AM - Wake up and wonder what Joey’s up to. 7:32 AM - Shower / Shave / I bet Joey’s doing this now too. He’s great. 7:50 AM - Sit down to eat breakfast and read the morning Gazette. 8:15 AM - Check my email to see if Joey has sent any updates. 9:00 AM - Arrive at work and hurry to my computer to see if...
7 tags
Trivia Night!
Tumblr was being a bitch last night when I originally tried to post. But luckily, it’s a slow day in the Sport of Kings so I have time to shower you with my heaping, steaming globs of wit and wisdom. Good for you.
- - - -
“Fuck it dude. We’re going to trivia night!”
This is, without a doubt, a beautiful statement. Have you ever been to a bar’s trivia night?...
The latest episode of Destructo Box has a great...
February 2010
2 posts
HARK! - For on this day KYLE was BIRTHED!
HARK. Today is the day one KYLE MCVEY spilled forth from the Universe to claim his crown amongst us heathens.
HARK. FOR IT WAS 25 YEARS AGO ON THIS DAY. God, to balance the forces of good and evil, allowed the second god to be born. HARK. For it was on this day, all battles ceased. Heaven and Hell stared on in silent contemplation. The DOOMBRINGERS wept. The ARCHANGELS wept. WE ALL WEPT wept. ...
Band of Brothers Got Me Thinking...
by Kyle
WWII. THE war. The war to end all wars. During one of the darkest times in modern history, we pulled together as a country. And with the rest of the world we fought against German-led Axis Forces. It’s the war children are probably most taught about in school. And its the one war that as a nation we can all look back upon fondly and say, “Yea. We got into that for all the...
January 2010
2 posts
Did you know daybreakers is a vampire movie?
by Joey
— This review was typed up by drunk Joey on the eve of this occurrence.—
So it’s Friday and I just saw Daybreakers with Kyle McVey.
So it’s been an excruciatingly long week and I decided to drink quite a lot before kyle and I took our preplanned man date to the theatre.
I’m going to write this in as sober a tongue as possible.
From what I can...
LOLJK's News Years Resolution! (and social...
Hey ladies.
Good day gents.
And finally. Where my dawgs at?
I’ve approached my esteemed colleague Mr. Joseph Reinisch regarding the future of LOLJK and what we potentially wanted to get out of this mish-mash of BS and dick jokes. And besides a larger super secret LOLJK side project that is already under way we didn’t really have any outright goals or plans for the blog/site in...
December 2009
1 post
The Cheese ball and the Beans - A gChat about...
By Joey Reinisch (And Kim)
This is an honest to god conversation I had with my wife over AIM. Enjoy:
=======
Kim:what do you need for your beans?
me: 1 yellow onion beef bullion butter a fucking shitload of beans 1 pack bacon like one of those giant cans or 5 or 6 little cans
Kim: how about that package i bought at costco last week?
me: wha? Kim: remember i bought a whole case last...
November 2009
2 posts
ROLAND EMMERICH MUST BE STOPPED!
By Kyle
Fuck this shit.
Really? 2012? You saw it didn’t you?
GOD DAMMIT!
I knew you would. I knew all of you would. How have we gotten to this point in history? This man. This director. This…..writer. This domestic fucking terrorist has already ruined us as a movie going audience. Now he threatens to play upon America’s irrational fears to destroy our very way of life.
...
October 2009
5 posts
Rushed Halloween Post? You betcha!
So.
It’s Halloween time, eh?
Time for candy (fucking candy corn)…
Haunted houses…
For hot girls dressed in a slutty costumes…
For dudes in slutty costumes (why is this easier to find?)…
And Kyle at work. Alone. In his raptor mask.
That’s all for now. Enjoy the Halloween weekend!
And just in case my loved ones forgot, in the event of zombie...
Fake Job Postings - Mass E-Mail Copywriter.
SEEKING: MASS E-MAIL COPYWRITER.
Job Posting: Seeking creative and tech savvy copywriter for creating mass e-mail ad campaigns for various pharmaceutical companies and male enhancement products. Must be fluent in nothing and have flagrant disregard for grammar.
SUB: Job Posting #34872
Dear Sir or Madam, I am writing in response to your job posting #34872 found on coolwowjobs.com for the...
The Diary of Bobby Phillips (Age 17)
10-16-09
Oh God no. It’s happened again. I woke up in the river bed a couple miles from my house again this morning. Completely nude, flailing around in the shallows. It’s just a matter of time before someone finds me there or catches me on one of my brisk walks back home. At first, it would only happen every couple months or so. I’d wake up and have no recollection of the...
A Saturday Night Covnersation.
So this past Saturday, I was at a going away party for one of my friends. 3 Pints and 1 flask in, I decided I needed to call Richard. Like, right that second. Had to…
We usually play Halo or some sort of videogame on weekends but due to a surprisingly busy weekend schedule, it was Saturday night and we still had yet to play a game… I assume this was what was going on in my...
Old Wives Tales Be Crazy
I was speaking with someone earlier today about Old Wives Tales. And he brought up that his former girlfriend had mentioned one to him off hand one day. It was something along the lines of, “If you have sex while you’re pregnant, your baby will have dimples.” SCENE
A mother and daughter are enjoying a quiet evening in a fire-lit living room. Mother rocks away in her chair...
September 2009
8 posts
The Superpower Encyclopedia: Invisibility
Superpower Encyclopedia: Invisibility Also Known As: Clearility, Seethroughity, Wherethefuckity Primary Examples: Invisible Woman, Wonder Woman’s Jet, Predator Description: Invisibility is the power where one is free to walk around completely naked through public or private locations without fear or threat or persecution. An individual with invisibility spends most of their time in locker...
The Mystery of the Toilet Ninja
Now its time for a story that happened “in real life” or “IRL” as we web people call it.
Some of you may or may not know this, but I work at a race track. While I don’t actually work for the track, my offices do happen to be located there. Which means, I have to navigate roving crowds of degenerate and sad gamblers almost every day. It also means that due to...
HEY BROS! YOU READY FOR SOME FUCKIN' FOOTBALL?
It’s football season dudes! I can’t wait to break out my pigball and start throwing some touchdowns. I’m so glad it’s back. The break feels like it gets longer every year. I almost had to talk to my girlfriend. Oh, random side note, I’m finally going to do it. This year I am finally starting my petition to change the name of football to “Hide the Egg”...
The Superpower Encylcopedia: Controlled Combustion
Controlled Combustion Also Known as: Human Torch Syndrome (HTS) or “Holy fuck, that guy’s on fire!” Prime Examples: Human Torch (both of them), Firestorm, Ghost Rider Description: Controlled combustion is the ability to engulf your entire or parts of your body in flames. In doing so, in most cases, you also gain the ability to control said flames by using them to propel you...
Teenage Goth girls are lame. Why can't I find a...
I don’t get it! Why the hell are the only chicks that dig on vampires irritating young stupid preteens? Seriously. I’m a buff vampire dude in my perma-mid to late twenties, and the best I can do is a god damn 14 year old? Ok. This is getting ridiculous. My abs are stacked. I’m talking washboard fucking tight. My complexion is perfect like, pretty much all the time and...
Boyz r lame, Why can't I find a nice vampire?
by Emily Mahalla
I don’t get it! It’s just not fair.
I was at school today and I asked Derrick if he wanted to come over to watch the premiere of “The Vampire Diaries” with me on Thursday.
He didn’t even answer me?! How f’ing rude is THAT?!! Is learning about rats during the f’ing bubonic plague more important than a cute girl asking you out?
I...
The Superpower Encyclopedia: Wall Crawling
WALL CRAWING
Also Known As: Wall Running, Super Cling, Stickie Fingies
Prime examples: Nightcrawler, Spider-Man
Description: Wall Crawling is the ability were a person is able to climb up walls or across ceilings in defiance of god and the laws of gravity. While not particularly useful as a standalone power, this ability is best used in conjunction with other powers. If you were unlucky...
An Open Letter to the Man that Stole my Car
Look at that man. So happy. So full of hope. So….mobile.
That was me two years ago, showing my humble 1996 Honda Accord some love outside a hotel somewhere in middle America. At the time, I was just thrilled to see that my car and everything I owned at the time was still in the spot I left it the night before. It’s something that I think most of us take for granted. And in the...
August 2009
7 posts
Text MSGS With Kyle
Kyle had some unfortunate theftery which I will wait to divulge in case it spoils any potential post content, so now I’ll share a txt conversation with Kyle and friend of LOLJK, “Richard Loves Metallica”.
McVey, Kyle (9:32 PM): Fyi. I was just walking beside the bassist for metallica. We drank the blood of innocents together.
Richard Loves Metallica (10:34 PM): Oh, did you...
Dear Internet:
Dear Internet:
Hey internet! I had a great time looking at the official casper website! There was moving picture of casper and all his ghost friends it was awesome i love it! I wish I could stay longer, but aparently this costs the same as calling Russia. Maybe we’ll see eachother again soon!
Joey Age 9
Dear Internet:
Holy balls internet, you are my best friend. I...
A Late Night Call
ANONYMOUS
Alright hot shot.
You wake up in a typical apartment bedroom. You’re laying on a bed and someone has placed a motion triggered bomb on your chest. You have nothing within you arm’s reach that can help you. What do you do?! What do you do?!
KYLE
(sleepily) Hello? Who is this?
ANONYMOUS
Tick tock, tick tock. You don’t have all day Kyyyyle. What do you do?
...
The Final Touches
God: Well that should do it. Angel: Very good sir. God: Oh, wait wait, I want to add one last thing. Angel: Sure. God: I think I’ll call it, “Free Will”. It means everyone can make up their own minds and can do whatever they want in interpreting my guidance. [angel thinks] Angel: Um, sir. If everyone is able to do anything they want at any time, won’t that...
x10
I drank these.
Times THAT many.
Now I’m watching a thing on the OctoMOM. Its by far the most riveting thing I’ve ever seen. She’s truly an amazing woman, to raise all those children AND still be batshit fucking crazy. Let’s be honest, someone needs to either take her kids away now or drown them all before she does. AMIRITE?!
You could probably make a pretty hearty...
AFTERreBIRTH
So to compliment Kyle’s grand REBIRTH post, I was going to make a picture similar to the JK babies only with afterbirth. You know….like how this post is “after” the “reBIRTH” post? well. On the list of the top things you should NEVER FUCKING DO, Google image searching “Afterbirth” comes right after stapling your sack to your leg and right before...
REBIRTH!!
LIKE THE PHOENIX! WE HAVE RISEN!!!
LIKE NEW BORN BABES, WE HAVE EMERGED FROM THE AMBIOTIC FLUID FULL WITH A JOYFUL INNOCENCE AND OPTIMISTIC PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE AND ALL ITS WONDERS!!!
AND LIKE A YOUNG CHILD HEARING SOMEONE PASS GAS FOR THE FIRST TIME, WE STILL HAVE A DEEP AND UNRELENTING FONDNESS FOR BODILY FUNCTIONS AND BONER JOKES WITH A “Z.” (BONERZ. heh.)
The point is,...
March 2009
1 post
Dude Bangin' Rehab - Round 2
Our friend Matt Loman over at MoonCounty.com was emailed another random entry of kyles journal. He was nice enough to share the discovery with us over here at loljk.
______
Hey, sorry, I know I promised to post, but I was super busy. I passed rehab! Or graduated. I’m not sure how it works, but I got a certificate and like a poker chip thing which lets everyone know I did it. I was really...
February 2009
3 posts
Dude Bangin' Rehab: Day 12
The following is an excerpt from kyles journals in rehab, which he, for some reason, feels the need to email transcripts of each day.
...
I HAVE...er have found Kyle
“I’m afraid Kyle can’t come to the computer right now Joey. He’s….indisposed.”
I FOUND KYLE!@!!!@$
Don’t worry you most likely dwindling followers! I found Kyle!
Turns out he’s not dead!
or in rehab,
or bangin too many dudes,
or in dude bangin’ rehab…
HE’S HERE! »»> CLICK FOR KYLE
and occasionally HERE on the sunday edition of the blog!
Turns out dude banging rehab doesn’t start till NEXT week. If he’s attending, kyle may still...