By Courage the Turkey

A pardon?! PARDON?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Do you have any idea what it took for me to get here? Oh no. They just randomly select the turkey they’ll be serving to the leader of the free fucking world! Are you sensing the sarcasm here? I should hope so. Get your head out of your ass!

It’s one of the greatest honors among my people to be served at the White House Thanksgiving. To willingly give our life to help fuel and sustain those who protect the freedom of the Western world. Today. November 24th, 14070 (that’s in Turkey years for the layman) the privilege was to be mine. Before it was snatched right out from my finely manicured talons!

Do you have any idea what I went through? This isn’t bestowed on any asshole with a ballsack for a chin. I’m talking a Mortal Kombat style tournament. I’m talking about a call out to the fightin-est, drinkin-est, hen fuckin-est bad asses to ever call themselves a turkey. I went through some serious Ong-Bak shit to get to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue this morning. But I was denied satisfaction!

And for what?! A new more “cute” and PC tradition for the President to perform in from of the news cameras? Don’t get me wrong, there was a moment there where I was sure Obama would perform the killing ritual himself.  It was in his eyes. We both knew. In my mind I saw him raising the ceremonial knife carved from the femur bone of President Theodore Roosevelt.  It’s finely honed blade glistening in the morning sunlight. I could feel the rush of blood leaving my brain as the blade pierced my lanky neck. I could see my headless body running around in circles as my vision slowly blurred and faded away. Then the clouds opened and my decedents welcomed me to sit at the table with them in our version of Valhalla. 

But instead of dining with my honorable ancestors and taking my place among them. I am taking an all expense paid trip to California to be Grand Marshall in Disney Land’s annual Thanksgiving Parade. No. That makes sense. You should definitely appoint a disgraced warrior bird as the head of your celebration where all you do is commit mass genocide upon his people.  I can never regain my honor. We Turkey don’t have a version of seppuku to fall back on. But don’t think I won’t have my revenge! May God help the first Disney teen star I come across!

WATCH YOUR ASS SONNY WITH CHANCE!

Gobble, gobble motherfuckers,

Courage

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Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Kyle

@kamcvey