I don’t get it! Why the hell are the only chicks that dig on vampires irritating young stupid preteens?  Seriously. I’m a buff vampire dude in my perma-mid to late twenties, and the best I can do is a god damn 14 year old?

Ok. This is getting ridiculous. My abs are stacked. I’m talking washboard fucking tight. My complexion is perfect like, pretty much all the time and I’m packing like a god damn vampire horse.

Don’t get me wrong. I tried to take what I got. I really did. After that “Twilight” movie came out, I was swimming in ripe teen poons. It was like a thick musk. I even went out with one for a few weeks. Nice rack, dark hair, but she kept mumbling shit  about wanting to join me on our “eternal love quest” or some fucking thing. It was WEIRD.  Then, I got busted for statutory.  I didn’t do time or anything on account of me being really great at neck breaking, but still.

I need to get some action and these chicks just aren’t cutting it. I gots to get my nut off once in a while or It’ll blow a god damn hole through a wall. With my ejaculate.  My VAMPIRE ejaculate. That’s vampire power for you, ladies. All I’m asking, is that if there’s any older honeys out there, let me take a drink of your sweet sweet MILF juices. I’m done with preteens. You know you’ve always wanted to ride the ice cold vampire rod of pleasure.

It’s here if you want it ladies.

grrrr.

- Victor Von Vampire

(-Joey)