I was speaking with someone earlier today about Old Wives Tales. And he brought up that his former girlfriend had mentioned one to him off hand one day.  It was something along the lines of, “If you have sex while you’re pregnant, your baby will have dimples.”

SCENE

A mother and daughter are enjoying a quiet evening in a fire-lit living room.  Mother rocks away in her chair knitting while the daughter plays with her doll.

Daughter: “Mom, how come I have dimples but my friend Jenny doesn’t?”

Mom: “Aww honey, it’s because her daddy didn’t insist on having sex in the third trimester and ramming his dick in her face repeatedly while she was still in the womb.”

Daughter: “Oh.”

Mom: “Why don’t you get some juice.”

Daughter: “Okay…”

END

While equal parts terrible and hilarious, these words of wisdom got the ol’ brain gears a turnin.  What are some other odd superstitions and beliefs?  I’ve assembled some of the more…odd ones here. With my almost painfully clever insights.

“A loaf of bread should never be turned upside down after a slice has been cut from it.”

• I think this more proper knife safety than anything else.

“If you say good-bye to a friend on a bridge, you will never see each other again.”

• This is true in most all mobster movies.

“It’s very lucky to meet a chimney sweep by chance. Make a wish when sighting one, and the wish will come true.”

• This is especially true nowadays.  If you meet a chimney sweep, you’ve just met someone who has made it their life’s ambition to do a job that has been outdated for the last four decades.  LUUUUUUCKY. That or you’ve gone back in time, somehow become trapped in a Disney movie, or you’ve hit your head/taken drugs/something else that would make you think you’re dancing with Dick Van Dyke.

“It is bad luck to light three cigarettes with the same match.”

• In all fairness, you shouldn’t be smoking three at the same time.

“Fingernail cuttings should be saved, burned, or buried.”

• And while you’re at it, you should burn off your fingerprints and bleach the skin of women you’ve killed before consuming their hearts.

“A girl standing under a mistletoe cannot refuse to be kissed by anyone who claims the privilege.”

• This is a slippery slope.  ie. Christmas dinner at Roman Polanski’s house.

“To kill a raven is to harm the spirit of King Arthur who visits the world in the form of a raven.”

• This is like saying, “To kill an otter is to harm the spirit of Charlie Brown, who visits this world in the form of an otter.”

“Three seagulls flying together, directly overhead, are a warning of death soon to come.”

• OR. You’re about to be shit on.

“All windows should be opened at the moment of death so that the soul can leave.”

• Your soul will be forever trapped in the Sizzler where you choked to death on your all you can eat steak.

I’m sure there are far, FAR more ridiculous ones.  This is just a taste.  Maybe I’ll find some more for a later post.  Comment if you know any that are more insane than these.

- K