By Kyle

Fuck this shit.

Really? 2012? You saw it didn’t you?

GOD DAMMIT!

I knew you would.  I knew all of you would. How have we gotten to this point in history? This man. This director.  This…..writer.  This domestic fucking terrorist has already ruined us as a movie going audience.  Now he threatens to play upon America’s irrational fears to destroy our very way of life.

Young Mr. Emmerich’s career in the US began promising enough.  When you start out directing Jean Claude Van Damme in the tour de force simply known as “Universal Soldier” then you know you’re doing something right. Then you go on to write and direct “Stargate”? And fulfill my your dream of working with Snake Plissken Jack Burton Kurt Russell?!

THEN YOU GIVE US INDEPENDENCE DAY??!?!?!?!!?!!

In the immortal words of Will Smith in every movie he’s ever done “Ah hell nah!”

If I had met Roland Emmerich in 1996, I might have wept. I even sat through “Godzilla.” And that scene when Mel Gibson axes the redcoat to death in front of his kids in “The Patriot” is bad ass (obligatory Destructo Box shout out).

Then 2004 happened.

“The Day After Tomorrow” happened.

They save themselves from a tsunami by going to the top floor of a tall building. The father decides to walk halfway across the county during the second Ice Age.

Then they outrun cold.

I’m not saying Stargate and Independence Day are rooted in scientific fact, but least I knew what I was going into.  And I can suspend all kinds of belief when aliens are involved.

But that’s fine.  Because everybody gets one my friend. Alright! I’ll give you two. But only because you helped shape my childhood.

(4 years later)

I WILL MURDER YOU! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! DID YOU TAKE WORLD HISTORY IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL?

DO YOU HAVE WIKIPEDIA?!!!?!?!?!!?!

Holy fucking balls. I don’t know where to begin. Woolly mammoths building the Egyptian pyramids? During the Ice Age? Oh, and we had domesticated horses and created steel. When did this mysterious era in human history exist? Oh. It didn’t.

You betrayed our trust Roland.  You betrayed my trust.  I felt abandoned and cold. It felt almost as bad as when I had a dream that Jon Carpenter kicked me in the balls (this is not a joke).

Now this? Another disaster/end of the world film? Based on maybe the lamest premise on the face of this Earth?!

The Mayan calendar ends in the year 2012? Oh no. Oh God. Shits going down.

Oh wait. Can you remind me how they wrote that stuff down back in day? On a piece of parchment? With a quill and ink? Or did they just check the date on their MacBook? No?

THEY CHISELED IT INTO STONE. Excuse the guy in charge for not giving himself carpel tunnel by chiseling the calendar to infinity. That shit is labor intensive and just God damn tedious.

And if I hear another argument between my coworkers about why/how the world will end in 2012, I will hang myself with my mouse cord.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is, for the love of God do not see 2012.

Help movie theaters be a more tolerable venue. Help the film industry know we hate drivel.

Help America thrive.

- K