The Superpower Encyclopedia: Regeneration

Also Known as:
Autodoctor, Megahealing, That Healie Dealie

Primary Examples:
Wolverine, Stretch Armstrong,  Lizards

Description:
Regeneration is a defensive power with multiple levels of potency. At it’s most basic, regeneration allows you to heal minor wounds, scrapes and vicious hangnails in a matter of seconds. More advanced manifestations of the power even allow the complete regrowth of severed limbs / organs.

Associated Powers:

Free Meat - As long as your regenerative powers are quick enough (or that you don’t puss out at how painful it’d be) one human leg can feed a family of four for 5 days. You could save $20,000 anually on meats for the year.  You will also be the favorite at the office when you continually bring in your nice trays of sliced deli meats.

Free Money - Disregarding concern for bodily harm can be a profitable venture in the workplace as long as you keep your regenerative powers a secret. After 4 or 5 lawsuits in various parts of the country and under a few assumed identities… you’re set for life.

Free American Dream - Free money and Free meat.

Weaknesses:

It still fucking hurts - Unless you have Pain Immunity to go along with your regenerative skills, it’s still going to hurt so bad you’ll wish you could die.  Never under any circumstances do you want to be in a hostage/torture situation. Normal people will eventually feel the sweet embrace of death wrapping its warm arms around their mutilated bodies. You however, will continue to regrow back those balls they keep cutting off. The thumbs they continually break will heal only to be broken again and you will remain alive to suffer through every agonizing second. 

Obtaining:

For this method, you will need several gallons of both Rubber cement and healing salves (such as Neosporin or A&D).  You will also need about 2 weeks of uninterrupted marination time as well as a helper with a sword.

1. Mix Rubber cement and healing salves in a large basin.  Time is of the essence. It will harden quickly!
2. Coat your entire body in the mixture. Toward the end, you will need your helper to lather up the last few bits.
3. Marinate for 2 weeks.
4. Peel off your rubber healing suit. Through osmosis, your body has obsorbed the bonding healing properties of your miracle mixture. 
5. Stand in front of your helper.
6. Have your helper stab you in the stomach with this sword.
7. Watch your skin regenerate OR YOUR MONEY BACK!*

*send proof of your life ending injury as well as a photocopy of your original receipt signed by yourself after the injury. No second party signatures or co-signs accepted. Void 90 days after purchase.

- Joey

Twitter @jreinisch @LOLjoeyANDkyle @destructobox @mooncounty