So this weekend, every “real man” will be seeing The Expendables in the dark amongst other fellow mens. The Expendables for those that don’t know, is the first mainstream action movie that actively tries to convince dudes to love dudes way too much. Using words and phrases like “mangasm”, “testosterone mating with an explosion”, and “Its not gay if you don’t let him finish on your face”, the campaign is breaking new ground for bros everywhere with suppressed feelings and ideas they were too shy to live out in college.

I of course already have my ticket.

The last couple nights I’ve spent my slumber hours clutching tight my “Arnold Schwarzenegger Action Pillow (TM)” and dreaming about what this movie will possibly contain.

The following is a transcript straight from my mental theater on how The Expendables will go down:

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SCENE 1
THE EXPENDIBLES sit around in a gym. They all lift a shitload of weights and are oiled up for some reason.  Suddenly the RED PHONE RINGS.

STALLONE
Expendables, How can I help you.

PRESIDENT
Oh thank god! The Expendables! We need your help!

STALLONE
What’s the situation.

PRESIDENT
The Taliban, the Yakuza, The mob, All the gangs, The KGB, The ID4 Aliens, Godzilla and the those weird tribal guys like in Apocalypto have formed a terrorist super cell and are headed to Washington!

STALLONE
We’re on it.

STALLONE hangs up the phone and walks over to the other EXPENDABLES pumping iron. He grunts and they all form a circle with him.  STALLONE looks at each of them, and then communicates to the group using only muscle flexes.  The group has a silent discussion about the logistics of such an impossible dangerous mission through the pumps and jiggles of their muscles. The quiet room echoes with the wet slap of pec.  They all then slap on more baby oil and it’s time to roll out.

SC2-46
Explosions. Gun Fights. Lots and LOTS of shirtless dudes.

SC47
Some fucking. Probably even with at least one chick.

SC48-52
A couple smaller explosions so as not to lessen the impact of the final explosion.

SC53
As this is the start of act III, The Expendables hit their required moment of strife. The group gets in an argument over who gets to go shirtless into the final battle.  They nearly disband, when suddenly a nearby explosion causes them all to get erections.  They laugh and bond over the mutual excitement and prepare to kick final boss battle ass.

SC54
The biggest fucking battle you’ve ever seen.  Ever seen a guy kill someone by “awesoming him to death?” well now’s your fucking chance.  The dudes all sweat and glisten with the leathery tanned skin of 1000 year old gods. Topless cheerleaders cheer them on in the background, then start to make out.

SC55

The alien egg hatches as a giant TO BE CONTINUED? splashes across the screen

CREDITS ROLL between two strips of video. The left side is the expendables celebrating their victory. Spoiler alert, they’re still super cut and way sweaty.  The right video is nothing but tit closeups of lady boobs so dudes can pretend that’s what they’re really watching, but it’s not.

THE END.

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I’m pretty sure that’s fairly accurate.

Stay tuned for my review.

-Joey

TWITTER @jreinisch @LOLjoeyANDkyle @destructobox