I’ll be honest, I never thought in a million years that there would be a part two to this post. 

This picture is awesome. It’s the only reason its here.

I’M A NAIVE FUCK.

I was tearfully reunited with my 1996 Honda Accord just over 8 months ago.  Exactly 9/9/09 if I remember correctly.  A great day. I got my car back. Beatles Rock Band was released.  And some stupid bitch that reads tarot cards probably predicted that some planets would align or Bob Hope’s corpse would be violated. Who cares? 

Let me get you up to date since then.  In retrospect….and this pains me to say, I wish they never would have found it the first time. Why? Well for one thing, the cost.  Do you know that even if your car is STOLEN, you still have to pay the ridiculous fees for it being towed to and housed in the nearest impound lot?  I don’t know who wrote the rates for the towing and impound of a vehicle in LA county, but I assure you they were a sadistic son of a bitch. Some weaselly CPA who’s mom breast fed him until he was 13 and who’s dad never respected him….because he became a fucking accountant. 

So I bent over the table and paid it, because I need a functioning vehicle.  BUT. The  bigger issue became that it was not, in fact, functioning. Oh…..it ran. Except that the brakes had been worn down to nothing, the tires were fucked up beyond repair, and some how found a way to make the radiator hemorrhage.  And of course, they stole the radio as well.  OH. AND my cup holders (**PRO TIP** I actually recommend ripping your own cup holders out. You can now fit any size drink in it and things you never thought about putting there. For example, I recently drove home with a bottle of jager in it. It fit like a glove.). Essentially I spent the same amount I could have used to put a down payment on a new car, on fixing my old, crappy one.

From there we have arrived at my current impasse. 8 months later. Once again car-less. And I’ve learned a few things.

1) Best deterrent to keep your car from being stolen - don’t have a stereo.

For 8 months, I didn’t have a radio in my car. Why? Well. Once your car has been stolen once, and your stereo twice…you’re reluctant to spend the money.  Seems like a liability.  But exactly one week ago, I FINALLY felt confident enough to put a new stereo into my car. And I’ll damned if it wasn’t a magical week. Driving with the windows down, blasting music is one of life’s little pleasures that I genuinely and whole-heartedly love.  Kanye just killing with some sick beats. New Coheed blasting people’s doors off. Hendrix making sweet love to his lefty guitar.  It was beautiful. And now it’s gone. Again. I swear to God I’m going to murder these people.

2) Our government and law enforcement process is frivolous to a degree you couldn’t possibly imagine.

Now, don’t misunderstand.  I’m not so jaded as to say both are completely ineffective or pointless.  But damn. They do a lot stuff that are both of those things to reach their ultimate goal.

**Humorous anecdote - While filing my report with the police today, the officer who was assisting me with the paperwork was very helpful.  But perhaps unfocused.  Like anyone in LA, I have one or two unpaid parking tickets. That shit happens. But he happily reminded me that even if I have an out of state plate, i need to pay them.  Because they can boot or take my car away. I thanked him for the helpful, yet extremely untimely, advice. It took about an hour or so to work everything out.  So as I was departing, he realized that I had begun to register my car in California about a year ago. I told him yes I had, but realized my car would ever pass the smog test (which is fucking bullshit) and it was just going to end up being far too expensive.  “Well.  You better finish it. Because we can take your car because it was never completed.”  were his exact words.

REALLY?! Well sir. If and when you find it. You can keep the fucking thing.  Is that fine? Because it seems like LA, whether it be the city, county, or the limp dick bottom feeders that live there want the thing way more than I do for some reason. 

So, with this, I say good bye to my wonderful 1996 Honda Accord EX.  Whether or not you’re ever found…I think it’s time we finally parted ways. 

I’ll miss you. You’ll always be one of my first loves.  I discovered countless new musical artists and albums while driving you down the shady streets of Bloomington, Indiana and palm tree lined streets of LA. I shared some of the best times of my life with you, my family, and friends through day long road trips. I crossed the entire United States with you, bringing me to the current place I call home.  And oddly enough, I experienced some of the most devastating moments of heart break and saddness while inside you. And easily some of the scariest.

I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done to you. Going months without an oil change. Hail damage. The puke (never mine).  Never washing you enough, so you could shine to your full potential.  The wreckless driving.  The spills.  Sometimes we forget that a car can become as much of a home to us as our actual houses. Or can reflect our personalities as much as the clothes we wear or the things we say. 

See you on the other side buddy.

Thugs 4 life.

- K

Feel free to click here if you want to relive part 1.